This week the WordPress Photo Challenge was “nostalgic” and I had a difficult time with the theme. There is really not a period of my life that conjures up nostalgia. I have no desire to return to any other point in time other than the here and now. It did however result in a bit of inner reflection and at one point a conversation with my spousal unit about “the past”.
We, each of us, have our own view of life overall including “the past” as seen through our own eyes. Some of us revel in our past days, accomplishments and such…I do not. There are some things in my life that I feel I have done “right” and some things that I feel that I have not….sometimes simultaneously for that matter. But, I have no regrets…I have learned from every experience and most definitely have no desire to go back; hence no nostalgia. Even those times in my life where I felt most content…for example working on the horse farm…do not harken in me a sense of nostalgia. Those “most content” days were after all fraught with a myriad of confusion, frustration, self doubt and utter exhaustion.
Where I am now is where I want to be…alive, present, non-delusional, safe and loved. Would I like to be better understood…wouldn’t we all. I am free to express myself to whatever extent I choose and whenever I choose. I am understood adequately by those who know of my life experiences in the context of which they know me. Those most close to me have a more intimate…and somewhat more painful knowledge. Those who are not that close to me know all they need to know. There are also some almost absolute complete strangers who know the worst details about my life…the anonymity and shared pain of group therapy is a wonderful thing. But I would most certainly not entertain any nostalgic feelings for those sessions.
I have learned valuable lessons each and every day of my life. I have learned about myself, about others, about the ways of the world and I have learned about my place in this thing called life. I have a clear vision of life…not the rosy delusion of life…not the morbid despair of life…but a balanced view of the good and the ugliness of human existence that coexist. I am sure that there is indeed good in the worst of the worst and that there is bad in the seemingly best of the best. One does not define nor redefine the other…they simply are.
On a personal level, I have chosen to do my best to embrace each day, each moment of each day, as wholly and as ethically as I can.